i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
