I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
