my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
