Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
