Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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