i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
