the day after is always just damage control
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
