get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
