i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
