If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Let's get the cat blown out
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize