Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm jealous of your bromance
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize