were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize