I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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