Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Come on in and take your pants off
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
