All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
