Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
