hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
