You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
