got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
