I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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