I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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