You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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