just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
