Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
