any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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