An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
