I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
