mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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