True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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