Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
