Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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