my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
