The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize