I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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