Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I looked at my own cervix.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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