we have pet lesbian snakes
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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