My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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