Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
