I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
