So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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