FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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