$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
God, you're like boner-b-gone
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
