opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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