someone owes me an orgasm
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
