Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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