I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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