btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
