U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Randomize
