if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
