Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I am midnight drunk by noon
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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