matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
