So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
