I need help removing her.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
