I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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