i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
