i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
