i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize
