Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
