I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
