hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
