He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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