My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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