When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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