I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize