my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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