Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Those nachos came to me in a dream
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
